i don't know what i'm supposed to do. it's hard to believe that i should have a romance with this such an illness. i should have known, that it's not just a heart problem. and i was paralyzed by fear when my cardiologist suspected i have another serious problem in my body and suggested me to meet an expert internist at International Hospital of Surabaya. for a sec, i thought my cardiologist must have been joking.
but there i was... at international hospital of surabaya. alone. struggle with all the pains in my body. he's a friendly doctor. an expert of lupus. yes, the lupus thingy what i'm talking about is systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE), one of the uncured diseases. i had some serial diagnostic examinations. this expert internist suspected me having a lupus. oh man, i know what lupus is. i'm going to die very soon, i should be happy. he said it's not easy to diagnose someone with lupus. it often needs years to diagnose it, because so many cases had negative results of ANA test in early examinations but turned into a positive one several years later. yes, i do know that, mister. therefore, altho my ANA test showed a negative result, it was not really negative. mine was kinda a "weak positive" result. and the internist said he needs to observe my condition continuously. *sigh* monthly visit to the hospital quite sucks.
well, whatever it is. welcome, my new romance.
the harder i try to forget you,
the more i think of you.
when the night has dawn. when i hear your favorite songs. when the rainy days come.
i am having a tough time.
dear mom, dad, and bro... please get well soon. :'(
alone. watching and taking care of you all at the same time are not easy. but those are nothing, because seeing all of you suffering is the saddest thing to me. :(
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