pieces of me...

tak akan ada yang bisa terganti, ris.
karena kamu akan mencintai orang lain dengan cara yang berbeda. dengan rasa yang berbeda pula.
yang perlu kamu lakukan hanyalah memberikan waktu bagi dirimu sendiri untuk beradaptasi dengan itu semua.
(((((peluk)))))

-bie-

terimakasih, bie. :)

hujan. dengan semua tariannya di bumi.
mengingatkanku padamu.

malam dimana rumah bercat hijau yang biasanya riuh itu begitu tenang, karena hujan membuat mereka malas beranjak.

dulu aku sangat menyukai hujan. karena setiap kali tariannya datang membasahi pijakan kita, kau akan memintaku duduk di teras bersamamu. dan kemudian kita duduk diam mendengarkan nyanyian hujan, sambil menatap jalanan lengang yang basah kuyup. sesekali kau hisap rokok di tanganmu, yang asapnya kau hembuskan jauh-jauh dariku. tak banyak cerita yang kita tuturkan. hanya sepatah dua patah cerita. sisanya hanya genggaman hangat dalam diam. belaian ringan di kepalaku. serta bahumu yang terasa begitu nyaman untukku bersandar.

dan malam ini, hujan meninggalkan sebuah ruang kosong di dadaku. menganga. dan pilu.
karena aku tau, takkan ada lagi kisah tentang kita.

namun aku tau satu yang pasti.
sejauh apapun kehidupan membawaku melangkah.
kau, takkan terganti.

i really need a good doctor. my immune system seems out of control lately. and it's getting worse day by day. *sigh*

i got an urticaria since last month. plus sort of angiodema. i almost cried when i found my eyes were so puffy in that evening. i took a symptomatic medicine almost everyday since then. sometimes, 1 or 2 days, everything looked just fine. i felt great. except my skin, especially my legs skin, i've got ugly spot scars on my legs because of the urticaria. a bit sad i couldn't wear my skirts at work anymore. i could compromise it though. but it started to bug me a lot when i couldn't stop coughing a week after the urticaria attack. i couldn't sleep well at night because of coughing. sometimes i almost threw up because of coughing so much. they looked like an allergy, a hypersensitivity, just like the local doctor said. but i know they're more than common allergies. because i never had any allergies before. and he presumed these allergies were attacking me all of sudden?

been a month. yes, they have been attacking me for a month! great. and i just got a new comer again today. it's an old guest actually. arthritis. it says hello to my right ankle this afternoon. it hurts me when i walk. and now it's getting worse. swelling. and hurts me more. :(

i spent my last 3 hours by crying on the bed. i felt enjoyment with my new life, but my body doesn't seem to get along with me. i feel so lonely because i don't have someone to talk to. yes, i do have new friends here. but i don't feel comfortable spilling out my story, emotion, or anything to them. i just can't talk to my parents either because if they hear about it, all they will do is pull me back to java island, control my activity, my life, and treat me like an ill patient for sure. seriously, i bet they won't let me free and decide my own life.

gosh. the air i breathe seems colder. intakes of breath seem sharper. gosh. i can't stop coughing. i feel like suffocating. my skin rashes are getting wider. my ankle hurts. i'm crossing my fingers, wishing everything and myself will be alright.

but still, i'm facing it all alone.

i don't know what i want.
but SOMETHING is MISSING.
i don't know what. but i can feel it.
i mean i can really feel it.

good job.
cozy apartment.
great car.

thank God, i've got them all.
so... what's next?

....
a nice hubby.

tell me where can i buy find it him?

fug,exhausted.